Articles by Ellen A. Kaye

Smart and Savvy Articles

by Ellen A. Kaye and Reader Responses

“Blowing Business Over Dinner Meetings Due to Your Poor Dining Etiquette?”

“Are Your Unconscious Nervous Habits During Meetings and Interviews Holding You Back?”

“In Business and Sports, Getting to The Top Requires Professional Coaching: 8 Ways A Coach Will Improve Your Performance”

“What’s In Your Wallet? Don’t Risk It Giving Clients the Wrong Impression”

“Blowing Business Over Dinner Meetings

Due to Your Poor Dining Etiquette?”

By Ellen A. Kaye

Last week I received a call from a senior executive at a Fortune 500 company who was stunned by the lack of manners displayed when he took a junior associate to dinner at a high-end restaurant. Here’s the scenario.

The executive had decided to give the associate a big promotion and he wanted to share the news in a setting that was fitting for the occasion. It was to be an evening of celebration full of toasts, smiles and congratulations back and forth. This was the big break that every employee dreams of.

Unfortunately, the dining experience was a complete disaster in many more important ways than the associate ever knew. His manners were so bad that by the time the entrees arrived, the executive realized he couldn’t possibly put this person in a position of increased visibility. He chewed with his mouth open, was very messy, was repeatedly rude to the servers and was spectacularly unaware of how to behave properly in a restaurant. None of this was the kind of behavior the executive wanted displayed in front of the company’s customers. The meal was ended abruptly by the senior exec without one word mentioned about a promotion. What should have been a great night in the associate’s career turned out to be one of the worst. And, to add insult to injury, it was his own fault. This associate had unknowingly and unwittingly cut himself off at the knees, capping his own career at this Fortune 500 company.

Smart companies, like this senior executive, know that since the marketplace is so competitive these days, good manners and appropriate socialization skills are not just a competitive edge – they are a mandatory part of doing business. The way you handle yourself at a meal is a snapshot of how you handle yourself in business. Your place setting, is the equivalent of your desk. It reflects your level of professionalism, neatness and attention to detail. By the same token, the manner in which you deal with the restaurant staff reflects the manner in which you work with your clients, prospects and colleagues.

And there’s more: over the course of a meal, I can assess the professionalism and proficiency of a dining companion in about two dozen different professional areas, including confidence level, communication skills, decision-making abilities, organizational and leadership skills, patience, flexibility and how they will maneuver in difficult, embarrassing or crisis situations. It’s no wonder, then, that the business dinner is such a crucial component of doing business and that anything less than impeccable, polished manners simply won’t cut it.

How do your own manners stack up? Check my list below of “Ten Ways to Wow Your Business Dinner Companions with Your Impeccable Manners” to decide whether you would have received that promotion – or whether, like the associate, you’d have gone home not just empty-handed but having alienated your boss and ruined any future chances for promotion.

Ten Ways to Wow Your Business Dinner Companions

with Your Impeccable Manners

1. Pace your eating. This is a helpful rule for my clients; You are finished eating when the senior person at the table is finished eating. Match the pace of your eating to that of your host so you finish at the same time. You must not look like a slowpoke or a glutton who gobbled up his food before everyone else. If you’re talking, pushing a deal and not eating, you need to either make a concerted effort to keep up with everyone else, or plan to be “finished” whenever your clients are done – regardless of whether you are actually full.

2. Thanks, I’ll pass. When passing anything at the table, always pass it counterclockwise. This assures order and prevents a jam-up and general pandemonium. When passing salt and pepper, always pass them together, as if they were a single entity, even if the person asked only for the salt. When passing a gravy or sauce boat, hold the bottom and turn the handle toward your guest so he can grab it without an awkward mess.

3. Silver Where? The number of pieces of silverware corresponds directly with the number of courses in the meal. Starting from the outside in, on your left you should expect to see a salad fork outside of the dinner fork. On the right of your place setting, you should find your spoon outside of your dinner knife. Use the small butter knife to take and spread the butter on your bite-size, hand-torn piece of bread. Often the dessert fork or spoon are placed horizontally above your entrée plate, or brought when dessert is served. Once you pick up a utensil, it should not touch the table again. And you should never wave a utensil in the air. I once went to dinner with a sales person who announced that he “had manners to the manor born” as he jabbed the air with his fork for emphasis.

4. Taste, then season. Do you realize it is an insult to your host and your chef if you salt your food before tasting it? Remember – the chef’s job is to season each dish perfectly. So taste your food first and only add seasoning to it if you don’t think you can eat it as is.

5. The forgotten fork. You asked your server to bring you a fork and it never comes. What do you do? At some point, simply use another utensil. Focus on the business at hand. Fixating on the missing item will just agitate and distract everyone. Moreover, it demonstrates you are inflexible and unable to improvise or move ahead – not the kind of traits you want to demonstrate to your boss or a prospective client.

6. Oops! I spilled. If you spill anything, apologize quickly and calmly – “Oops! Please forgive me.” – then discretely clean it up with your napkin and immediately go back to business. If the spill interferes with your dining, summon the waiter to clean it up. If the spill is on you, politely excuse yourself, clean up and return as quickly as possible so as not to interrupt the flow of the meeting. Don’t mention it again once you return to the table. You’re there to do business, not agonize over an accident.

7. Chew it over. What do you do when your boss asks you a question just as you put a forkful of food into your mouth? Nod to him to acknowledge you heard the question, then chew quickly, swallow entirely, take a sip of water and then reply promptly. It helps if you make every bite no larger than the size of a quarter, which is very small. Shockingly small. Measure one against a piece of bread or meat so you get used to eating just that size piece.

8. If you don’t have something nice to say . . . If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Even if your food isn’t that great, just smile and eat it. Saying something negative to the server – or worse, sending food back – causes other people to feel uncomfortable and embarrass your host. If the food is inedible, just ignore it and eat the rest of your meal. The same rule applies to everything about the restaurant at a business meal: the temperature, the service, the view – everything.

9. Leave the leftovers. Asking for a doggy-bag for the food you didn’t eat is a big no-no at an important business dinner. If you liked it that much, come back another time, but don’t even think about asking to take it home.

10. Avoid tapping your foot. Although it seems very basic, your straight posture and composed presentation are very important. Always sit tall in your chair with feet flat on the floor or crossed at the ankles. Keep your napkin laying flat in your lap. Use it often to wipe, actually pat, your mouth and, if necessary, your chin.

The way you behave at dinner communicates volumes about the way you behave in business. The business dinner simply puts everyone under a spotlight. Impeccable manners are a must if you want the deal, the promotion or simply a stronger business relationship.

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“Are Your Unconscious Nervous Habits During Meetings and

Interviews Holding You Back?”

By Ellen A. Kaye

Businesspeople take note: if you’re not getting that promotion you want or that raise you feel you deserve, it may not be your job skills that are holding you back. It may be you are unconsciously making a poor impression on senior leadership during the meetings you both attend. After all, many of us have unconscious bad habits that hibernate or go unnoticed during the frenzy of the workday. But in a meeting room where there’s nothing to do but listen, those habits come out in force – playing with pens, twirling eye glasses, jiggling legs – you name it. In the confined quarters of a meeting room where senior executives have the opportunity to observe you for an extended period of time, these habits can be more than just annoying – they can cap your career.

Busy, creative person aren’t naturally inclined to sit still for long periods of time so they develop nervous habits as a way to release energy. The problem is that these unconscious behaviors make them look fidgety and unprofessional. And that’s often enough to lose a promotion to someone else who either doesn’t have any annoying nervous habits, or has learned to master them.

The good news is that you can learn to master them. With practice and coaching, you can learn to calm your body and exude controlled professionalism throughout every meeting. And best of all is that simply by gaining control of your nervous habits, people will think you are performing better at your job, even though it’s only your posture and comportment that have improved.

Here are some of the most common nervous habits people exhibit when they’re sitting in a meeting and my recommendations to overcome them:

Dancing fingers. This habit also encompasses tapping or drumming your fingers, drumming your hands on your legs, chewing your fingernails, playing with the arm of the chair or doing anything else with your hands other than writing or resting them quietly. I use my “Mummy” exercise to help clients overcome fidgety fingers. Here’s how it works. If your meeting chair has arms on it, sit in the chair, rest your forearms and hands on the arms of the chair and visualize them being wrapped lightly in gauze, gently binding them together. Get in the habit of doing this before each meeting and you’ll find your hands rest more easily during the meeting. If you notice your hands playing again during the meeting, stop and go through the exercise again. Very quickly, the habit will disappear.

Playing with your pen. This can include clicking a ballpoint pen on and off, tapping the pen on the table or doodling. All are no-no’s. The solution is to use the top edge of your notepad to establish what I call a line of demarcation. Place your notepad on the table in front of you, and place everything else you’ll need periodically throughout the meeting – pen, glasses, cup of coffee – just beyond it. All those items beyond the line of demarcation are only to be picked up when you need them. Pick it up, use it, then put it back beyond the line of demarcation. Don’t touch it again until you need it next. By consciously establishing this zone, you won’t unconsciously pick up your pen and play with it; instead, you’ll think about it every time you pick it up, which is usually enough to break the habit.

Jiggling your leg. This can include jiggling one or both legs or feet, tapping your feet, crossing and uncrossing your legs or doing anything else with your legs other than resting your feet quietly on the floor. As with your restless hands, my unusual but effective solution to this habit requires visualization. Start by practicing at home or at your desk. Sit in a chair, place your feet on the floor shoulder-width apart, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Now imagine roots growing down through your feet and into the earth so that you are rooted and grounded. With each breath, feel energy flowing through those roots, up from the ground, then back down into the ground. Once you’ve mastered this visualization process, all it will take in a meeting is sitting down, putting your feet on the floor and taking a deep breath and you’ll feel the rooting process take place. Most importantly, your legs will remain still and calm, which will enable you to project confident, controlled professionalism throughout the meeting.

Playing with your glasses. Like to twirl your glasses? Chew on the ends? Tap them on the table? The solution is simple – put them on and re-bind your hands to the arms of the chair. If you don’t wear your glasses all the time because you need them only to read a chart or slides, then place them beyond the line of demarcation. As with your pen, set down the glasses and leave them alone until you need them. Then use them and put them back.

Tearing up Styrofoam cups. This is one of the most annoying habits because it’s not only distracting to watch, it also results in an unsightly pile of Styrofoam pieces, which calls further attention to your bad habit. As with your glasses and pen, overcome this habit by putting your cup beyond the line of demarcation. That way, you know you need to pick it up, take a sip, and put it back. If the cup is empty, leave it beyond the line of demarcation. Again, the simple act of establishing this line will make you think twice about reaching for any of the items beyond it. Another solution for the Styrofoam-tearing habit: drink from a glass, a can or a ceramic mug.

Think you don’t do any of these things? You might be surprised. I’m often called in by companies to observe group meetings, then work one-on-one with the executives in private to transform their negative behaviors. During these coaching sessions, most executives are shocked to learn they exhibit one or more of the behaviors discussed above. But their awareness, coupled with my coaching, typically results in a quick fix – and a quicker ticket to a raise or promotion.

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To learn how your own meeting-room habits are affecting your career, contact Kaye
at 480-391-9888 or via e-mail at ellen@ellenkaye.com.

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“In Business and Sports, Getting to The Top Requires Professional Coaching:

8 Ways A Coach Will Improve Your Performance”
By Ellen A. Kaye

Scottsdale, AZ: -- If you’re like most people, you’ve heard of personal coaches but aren’t entirely sure how you could benefit from hiring one. In fact, when you get right down to it, most people would say they don’t need a coach – that they’re fine the way they are. It’s tough, after all, to admit we could use work in some areas, and tougher still to go out and find the right person to help us address those weaknesses. The outstanding results you’ll see from good, professional coaching will dramatically improve your career, your income and your life,” says Ellen A. Kaye, a leadership development and communication coach located in Scottsdale, Arizona.

Kaye has worked with hundreds of business professionals and seen the astounding changes that have occurred as a result of her work. Her clients are promoted faster, get their dream jobs and see their sales go through the roof. If your career isn’t where you want it to be or you simply want to polish your presentation skills, increase your credibility or improve others’ perception of you, here are eight reasons you should hire a coach to give you the edge you need to succeed spectacularly:

1. You’ll get the job. Whether you’re entering the workforce for the first time, applying for a vice president’s position or pursuing your dream job overseas, a coach can help you develop and polish the skills and good habits you need to stand out from the crowd.. Kaye once worked with a legal aide who dreamed of living in Hong Kong. After Kaye helped the aide refine her interview skills and comportment, she promptly secured a job at double her pay in the heart of Hong Kong. Don’t leave an important job interview to chance – let a coach make sure you shine when it counts.

2. You’ll get the promotion. Promotions, especially at higher levels, are about much more than performance. Your achievement record could be spectacular but if you don’t have the right manners, bearing and professional image to go with your skills, you’ll find yourself passed over again and again. A few years ago, Kaye worked with a consultant at a major accounting firm. The woman, says Kaye, “was brilliant and clients loved her, but she had not been promoted because she didn’t get along with her staff or peers.” After Kaye coached her, the consultant became a better team player and was promptly promoted to partner.

3. You’ll create a great first impression. Behavioral psychologists have determined that we form opinions of people we’ve just met within 2 seconds. In half a minute, we make a whole litany of assumptions about the other person’s personality, capabilities, trustworthiness and so on. Within that very short time, we also make decisions about whether we want to do business with that person. As yourself: Are you losing business because your first impression is less than what it should be? A professional coach will help make sure your first impression is a winner.

4. You’ll look fantastic. Want to look great and feel self confident every day? Hire a coach to overhaul your professional wardrobe. A good coach knows where to shop and what to buy and what will look best on each client. “I work with your unique personality, explore who you are and what your goals are, then I create a customized wardrobe to express that,” explains Kaye. The makeover will pay huge dividends in terms of how you are perceived. After doing an image and wardrobe makeover for a client who dressed too provocatively because she didn’t know how to look professional and feminine, the woman was promptly promoted to president of a very prominent, national social health organization.

5. You’ll stand out at a business meal. Dining etiquette is a touchy topic because no one thinks they need help but almost everyone does. Desperately. Every day, people lose business deals because their dining etiquette is deplorable and they are completely unaware of it. Whether your dining habits are costing you business deals and promotions or you need polishing in just one or two areas, a professional coach will make all the difference. Kaye often works with teams of businesspeople, conducting dining etiquette workshops over a meal so she can both present and observe. Very often individuals contact her to work one-on-one so they can quickly learn manners to make them look good.

6. You’ll speak more professionally. Are your verbal communication skills what you’d like them to be? Can you speak with clarity, brevity and professionalism in all situations? If not, a coach will provide the skills you need and the self-confidence that goes with them. They will teach you to think on your feet, to speak professionally and to eliminate annoying verbal habits. Kaye coached a consultant who was well liked by his peers but mistrusted by management. As it turned out, the consultant’s unconscious habit of mumbling humorous remarks during company presentations was holding him back. After Kaye helped him eliminate the habit he was immediately promoted to partner.

7. Your presentations will be remembered. If you give presentations inside or outside your company, you should be working with a coach to ensure your performance is dynamic and your message is memorable. A coach will pinpoint your strengths and weaknesses and help you craft a compelling pitch that will captivate audience attention – and help you motivate them to the desired action.

8. You’ll ace your TV interview. An experienced coach like Kaye will always work with your message and delivery, your stage presence, your wardrobe and your poise in preparation for a television interview. As a former actress, Kaye understands how to use the camera to your advantage, how to look your best, where to look when and what to say. She’ll have you feeling confident and at ease before you go live. “There are a million important details to adjust, fix and keep track of in advance of a television appearance,” says Kaye. “It is physically impossible for you to do this for yourself while trying to focus on the interview at the same time. Anyone who realizes the importance of doing a great job on TV always hires a coach to prepare and be on set with them

As a business professional, you have more than enough to think about without also worrying about whether your speech and image are right or whether your mannerisms are holding you back from a promotion. Put your career in the hands of a professional coach and you’ll be amazed at how people treat you with greater respect and perceive you to be a smarter, higher performing individual with whom they want to be associated. However you look at it, coaching is a smart investment.

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“What’s In Your Wallet?

Don’t Risk It Giving Clients the Wrong Impression”

By Ellen A. Kaye

“What’s in your wallet?”

Capital One made that phrase famous and business people should take it to heart. Your wallet – both its exterior appearance and its contents – speaks volumes about you, your capabilities and your attention to detail. Whether you realize it or not, every time you pull out this ubiquitous item, you are making a statement about yourself – and you are being judged by it. Successful business people take great care in every aspect of their appearance, making sure their clothing is~~suits are~~ immaculate ~~clean~~ and perfectly pressed, their hair is groomed and current~~neat and combed~~, their shoes are well-heeled and polished. Very few people, however, pay much attention to their wallets – and that’s a problem when you’re trying to make a great impression.

Consider this scenario. I was at a networking function not long ago and met a sales rep for a local company. He was well dressed, well spoken and eager to set up an appointment with me to explore whether he might be of service to my business. I agreed to call him – until he pulled out his wallet to hand me his business card. In his hands, he held a crushed, ~~faded~~frayed billfold ~~that was frayed and crushed~~ with the binding coming apart in several places. Furthermore, bits of paper and old receipts were~~was~~ spilling out from every opening. When I asked how long he had owned the wallet, he proudly told me he’d had it for 15 years. ~~Then my opinion of him it went even further downhill.~~

A bus pass fell out, which is unusual in the Phoenix area since everyone drives. When I remarked on it, he said he takes the bus because he can’t afford a car. By admitting such financial hardship, he was essentially admitting that he wasn’t a very good sales person. And that ~~That~~ did it – I decided right then that this wasn’t someone with whom I wanted to do business..

Are potential clients making the same decisions about you because of your wallet? Take it out now and ask yourself the following questions. Then follow my recommendations to ensure your wallet sends the right message about you and your business acumen:

1. Is your wallet new and clean? Your wallet should receive the same attention you give your shoes. You wouldn’t do business in shoes that weren’t shined or in heels that were scuffed, right? Nor~~either~~ should you carry a wallet that’s not in tip-top condition. Long before your wallet starts to fray, fade or look old, even if it’s in just one small spot, replace it. And don’t relegate old wallets to “weekend” status because you never know when you’ll be at a weekend function standing in line next to someone on whom you want to make a great impression. Empty out the old one and give it away to the Salvation Army. An old wallet says: I’m not aware, I don’t care or I can’t afford something new.

2. Is your wallet name brand? Just as you wouldn’t buy a no-name, generic cell phone, don’t settle for a no-name wallet. You don’t need to drop thousands of dollars, but if you can afford it, it’s worth it to spend a couple hundred dollars on a beautiful Gucci, Prada, Ralph Lauren or Armani billfold. ~~or pocketbook.~~ Coach has some great~~beautiful~~ products, as well – just be careful not to select anything too casual. If three figures is beyond your wallet budget, look for an upscale-looking wallet with clean lines and a designer look. For women, something in cranberry or burgundy is always classic and professional. For men, stick with brown or black.

3. Are you carrying too many credit cards? No, I’m not worried about your credit rating – I’m worried about the thickness of your wallet. People who carry too many credit cards wind up with a thick, awkward-looking bundle that’s tough to fit into a ~~back~~ pocket, briefcase or handbag~~a purse~~. ~~Instead of carrying all those store credit cards around, p~~Pare ~~your cards~~ down to one or two, maybe your corporate credit card plus a personal card. Keep that pile of your favorite store cards in a wallet-ready envelope in the safe at home. You can grab them for weekends and w~~hen you’re going~~ shopping sprees.

4. Are you carrying too many frequent flyer and hotel cards? Frequent travelers always wind up with a mile-high stack of hotel and airline frequent-user cards. Don’t keep those bulky~~thick, heavy~~ cards in your wallet. Instead, type~~condense~~ all the account names and numbers onto a single sheet of paper and ~~. Cut them out so you’re left with a thin, single piece of paper no bigger than a~~cut it down to the size of a business card. ~~containing all your hotel and airline names with their associated account numbers.~~ Carry that in your wallet instead. If the airline/hotel personnel has any problem with it, provide them with additional information to ID yourself properly.

5. How much cash are you carrying – and is it the tipping~~right~~ type? The amount of cash you carry every day depends, of course, on your job, your life circumstances, what you’re doing ~~during the day~~ and where you are. ~~the city you’re in.~~ In New York City, London or Hong Kong, it’s easy to blowgo through $200 to $25,000 in cash a day. In Des Moines, Iowa, you can probably get by on $100 to $150 a day, again, depending on your job. ~~Regardless of where you’re located, h~~However, you must always have appropriate tip money in your wallet. Don’t be caught without $1s, ~~and~~ $5s, $10s and even $20s to tip every~~any~~one who provides you a service. ~~during the day.~~ Each morning, ~~Before you ever leave the house for work,~~ verify you’re carrying enough money so you’re not caught short in creatingan an embarrassing moment.

6. Are you carrying coins or checks? If so, the wallet isn’t the place for them. Keep coins in a small, separate coin purse (women). Men: simply don't carry change at all. It is too tempting for you to play with it and that is a distracting, unprofessional nervous habit you don't need. ~~or loose in your pockets (men).~~ ~~The same with your checkbook. If you still carry one,~~ Safety experts recommend you do not~~n’t~~ keep your checkbook ~~attach it to~~in your wallet – you are providing one-stop-shopping for thieves and pickpockets.~~that’s too cumbersome.~~ Instead, keep your checkbook separately in your purse or a suit pocket. Better yet, ~~If that doesn’t work for you, try~~ keep~~pulling~~ one or two ~~checks off your checkbook and keeping those individual~~ blank checks in your wallet with your cash. Use the carbon copy kind so you won't forget to keep track of the money spent.

7. Do you carry your business card in your wallet? My regular readers already know what I’m going to say here. Carrying your business card in your wallet is a big no-no. Instead, ~~you should~~ keep your cards in a separate business card holder. Like the wallet, the business card holder should look new, clean and professional. An elegant card holder conveys the message that you care about your image and your business.

8. Do you clean out your wallet at least once a week? Make it a habit every Sunday night to go through your wallet and pull out everything that’s not absolutely needed. ~~I’m not talking about~~ SPs~~imply p~~ull~~ing~~ out all~~old~~ the receipts, etc. and file them properly. (Or, at least put them in an envelop in your desk.) Once a year, completely empty your wallet. Give it a snooty stare and judge it harshly, as others will. If it still looks chic, new and professional, refill it slowly. Evaluate every single item before you place back into this clean and pristine shrine of your identity. ~~– I mean a thorough look at every item in your wallet. Most people don’t do this even once a year, let a lone once a week.~~ ~~Make it a habit every Sunday night to go through your wallet and pull out anything that’s not needed.~~ ~~If you’ve collected business receipts, now’s the time to pull them out and~~ ~~put them in an envelope~~.

Wallets rarely get the attention they deserve. Most business people make sure they have the latest cell phone, the newest PDA and that their other technology is constantly revised as trends change and new capabilities emerge. ~~Wallets rarely get the same attention – but they should.~~ Many people pull out their wallets ~~out just~~ as often as they pull out their cell phones; each time ~~, which means~~ ~~they’re~~ conveying important, tangible~~critical~~ information about their professionalism, ~~and~~ attention to detail and their sense of self-worth. After going through this exercise, ~~many times a day.~~ ~~Does~~ your wallet ~~convey~~ should now convey the successful and professional ~~right~~ image you ~~should be sending~~aim to send every day.~~? Pull it out now and~~ ~~decide.~~

Want help organizing your wallet, your image, your office or wardrobe? Can do it yourself but hate spending the time? ~~Got~~Need to upscale ~~and~~but no clue how to do it? Contact me. I promise to take the experience from painful to pleasing and make you look ~~professional~~like you belong in the corner office.

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“I especially liked your release today about one's wallet and all that involves. Concise, precise and logical writing -- very readable. Plus: your choice of subject -- a simple wallet -- was unique and priceless. (Is that a pun?) The scenario you fearlessly and ruthlessly recounted could have been in "Ask Amy" with whom I went to college or in Playboy Advisor. Keep on pushing out the good copy. (Your niche is focusing on all of those little things which add up to presenting oneself perfectly.) Your message was loud and clear.”

-- Robert Devaney, editorial director, Yearbook of Experts/Daybook

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